The Hosepipe Ban Cometh

Within four hours of the ban taking effect, a network of curtain-twitchers had assembled with a rigour the security services can only dream of. The accused maintains it was a watering can. Photographic evidence is being circulated on a street WhatsApp group of 41 people, 39 of whom have never spoken aloud to one another.

It arrived without warning, hovering over a pint of lager. Grown men who describe themselves as calm under pressure were seen flailing at the air with a laminated menu. The wasp left of its own accord, undefeated.

The reply came in three languages and said, in all of them, that nobody is coming. A colleague in Milan will return on the 24th. A colleague in Lyon will return in September. A colleague in Stockholm returned last week and has not yet recovered.